Eleanor/Claude May: ‘I am coming out really understanding myself’
What Made you decide to study Art Practice?
Before doing a degree, I did quite a few jobs. I was a repairs and carpets restorer for some years among other things, Then I ran a gallery for a few years. I was in a relationship, and we ran a gallery together and it was failing. To be honest, I am not that into Art. I find it quite pretentious, and I don’t like the money side of things and it is all about opinion and what you do like, or you don’t like. And then because we were lacking money and one of us needed to work, I became a painter and decorator. I did that for two years which was okay but actually painting peoples’ walls is a bit soul-destroying. I struggle with anxiety and depression anyway. I said, ‘I am going to do a degree’ and by that time I got the support because I was diagnosed with autism so I knew that I could get help. And I thought ‘I can do this’ because up until then I thought I was a bit thick. I also needed something else in my life, like a direction because my depression was getting worse.
Why did you choose University Studies?
Because it was in the vicinity of where we lived. But also because of the Art Practise. There are not many degrees that with the sense of ‘what are you going to do with it?’, looking at it from a different perspective. Most of them are Fine Art, and I saw from running a gallery that many people finished their degree and went back into waitressing or something. They didn’t focus on how you are actually going to make money from it. The other reason I had never done a degree is because I thought ‘what is the point?’ but this one made sense. I believed that I might actually come out with something at the end. That is why I chose this particularly one and I was really luckily that it was near so that I could get here.
What has been your biggest challenge?
Writing the dissertation. Writing is the bane of my life, and I have come out of it as not such a perfectionist anymore and it doesn’t really matter. What I do write, people say isn’t written grammatically correct, but it does make sense and I have a lot of good things to say. The other thing is literally just getting to university and back because of my anxiety. I went into this thinking if I can just make it through and come out the other end it doesn’t matter what the grade is, that is an achievement for me. Doing anything longer than two years for me is a miracle so for me to have kept going and get a first on my dissertation.
You mentioned that you started your degree as Eleanor May and have found confidence since coming out as Claude, tell me about this journey and how it has impacted your practise.
As a female, I have never been happy in my body, so I struggled with eating disorders and I do still struggle with eating. I never felt like I fitted in my body. But throughout the whole process of doing the degree and through writing the dissertation, it was all about human nature and what we need as humans. All of this has come into me looking at myself as person. It has been a massive psychological thing really throughout the whole degree. Through my art I have learnt to be myself. It feels easier being male I think because of the whole judgemental thing. As a woman, I feel judged, and I am not a makeup person and I don’t care that much about what I look like. I felt like I was acting a woman and now I don’t have to. Now I am Claude in a woman’s body.
Where do you draw your inspiration from?
I have to go for walks in nature. I don’t do people, but with nature I find it really inspirational. I don’t make my art about nature, it just gives me the free headspace like meditations. It completely gets me out of the anxiety zone. And then I get inspirational, and I come home and do loads of sketches.
What does your artistic process look like?
It starts by going for walks and being completely at one with nature. And then generally, I don’t really think about it, it just comes in visions, images, and thoughts. Visions come into my head, I don’t really think, they just come. And I come home and do a really quick sketch carving or painting. And then somehow, I don’t think and then I have finished. There’s no thinking, it just happens. It is like a trance. I have always been interested in art therapy and outsider art and this need to create.
What is the aim with your work? How do you hope to impact the viewer?
To start with, I use art mainly for myself, it helps me with my own mental health. But I am learning that I can help others with my openness as I don’t hold back. We are all humans, and I don’t get all of this ‘what you are meant to say’ and ‘what you aren’t meant to say’ because we are all human. So I want to impact people to ask more questions because a lot of people are struggling and they don’t know why. I don’t believe that the life we lead is right for humans. I am fascinated about life and how we got here and why we do what we do. I think if people questioned that more and how we are influenced by society, money, and materialism. I would like people to stop and ask, ‘what is the right way of living?’. Personally, I would like to live in a cave with a fire and not have all of this extra stuff that I am meant to be doing.
What is your ambition after completing your studies?
I struggle with change and the whole degree coming to an end is sending me into a bit of a panic. I usually like to have something set up. The whole studying for four years has been brilliant for me because I can focus on something. Everyone tells me I should carry on studying but I don’t really think I want to do that either. I am in a bit of a crisis at the moment. My social worker told me to take time out, so I am going to stop for a bit. At the end of the day, I want to help others but how, I am not sure. I would love to be an art therapist, but I would need something in psychology. I suffer with suicidal thought nearly every day because of how the world is and I feel like I need to give something back and my life has meaning.
What are you most proud of on your journey?
Confidence. I came in with no confidence. I wouldn’t have come and done this interview, especially by myself. I am coming out really understanding myself. Along with the dissertation because I never thought I would be able to write a dissertation in my life.
Visit Eleanor/Claude’s website at www.the-alienist.co.uk.